Some Nights
by HanaKoryuo
Summary: Light had such a tough time the first nights. He didn't even mind to share the same bed with the detective and even though he missed the safety of his bedroom, he had to admit the sheets smelled good and the pillows were soft enough to rest well. If only he could. [ Collection of L/Light nights based on Fun's song "Some Nights" ]
1. I Some nights, I stay up cashing in my

Light had such a tough time the first nights.  
A gentle voice might say it was inevitable due to the hard pressure he was pushed through during the last weeks of imprisonment; because of his intelligence and the adult expression shining in his eyes, even his own father would forget he was still a seventeen years old boy who was carrying the weight of a terrible accusation, far from home and the normal life a young student like him should have led. Everyone in the task force agreed on the simple fact no one, even an adult, would bear the whole situation as stoically as Light managed. He'd never offered resistance and doubted for a single moment of his own innocence, his strength was a mere example for everyone -so when after a couple of days it was clear Light wasn't getting enough sleep and bags as heavy as L's circled his eyes, no one breathed and still treated him like the heroic young man he was.  
They never could imagine the reason why he wasn't resting as wished.  
Living handcuffed to the third greatest detective in the world, Light discovered he could tolerate more things than expected, such as the lack of privacy -an already obscure concept to him after weeks kept under surveillance twenty-four hours a day-, the constant tugging at the chain and the metallic noise when it clattered against any possible surface or the nauseated noises of L eating sweets non-stop. He didn't even mind to share the same bed with the detective and even though he missed the safety of his bedroom, he had to admit the sheets smelled good and the pillows were soft enough to rest well.  
_If only he could_.  
Since the very first night he learnt L rarely slept, but sometimes the detective collapsed in a coma for hours and there was anything able to wake him up -strictly speaking, they spent the first night together on the sofa and Light almost lost the sensitivity of his legs because the sleeping beauty drifted off on his lap without a warning. When he could finally move after seventeen hours, four minutes and twenty seconds, his whole body ached tremendously.  
The second night he forced L to retire to the bedroom so he could at least let his poor aching limbs rest. Light learnt L was a selfish child who didn't care about decency and didn't understand why his number one suspect kept waking up and demanding him to "_Shut down that damn computer, its flashing doesn't let me sleep. Please, Ryuzaki._". Although there was no point his work hindered Light's sleep and the next morning he welcomed with a roll of his eyes the request of a sleep mask, L still suspected it was all an antics to prove him Light wasn't Kira. This episode raised the possibility of five percent.  
The third night, eyes protected by the mask and the blankets drawn over his head to completely obscured him from the blue light of L's laptop, Light finally drifted off in a peaceful sleep. He didn't know what time it was when he woke up all of a sudden and for a brief moment he didn't understand what effectively woke him up. He shifted a little, feeling an uncomfortable scraping sound under his waist and a weird object blocked between him and the mattress. Light froze, trying to get what there was behind him, carefully moving a hand to that point. His fingers brushed against something cold, thin and arched. "What-"  
"Light-kun, don't move." L's voice came low and steady behind him and, still unable to see because of the sleep mask -why didn't he take it off in first place?-, Yagami stayed still as ordered. He felt the cold thing (realizing it was simply L's hand) moving beneath his hip for a couple of seconds before it pulled back. "I'm done. Sorry for waking you up, Light-kun."  
But Light now demanded an explanation about _what_ L was still doing in the middle of the night, so he took off the sleep mask and with a shuffle of the chain along the sheets he turned towards the detective. L looked at him in surprise, caught in the moment of eating one of his precious strawberry gummy candies, sit against the bed-frame in his usual crouched position, the laptop in front of him and a large package of those sticky super-sugary gummies he was eating since the afternoon.  
"What is it, Light-kun?"  
"What were you doing, Ryuzaki?"  
The detective did not blink and tipped the head towards the monitor as if the answer was quite obvious. "I was working on the case as usual."  
Light rolled his eyes in mere annoyance before he formulated the question again. "I meant, what was _your hand_ doing under my hips in the middle of the night?"  
"Oh, that." The detective swallowed the candy in one bite and a small smile stretched his lips in delight. "One of these fell from the package just under the bedsheets and I was looking for it. Light-kun moves a lot when sleeping so it was inevitable that it slipped behind him and I was forced to-"  
"Keep these damn sticky _things_ away from the bed!" Light interrupted, unaware he was actually yelling. He was tired because of restless nights and the childish behaviour of the detective; he simply wanted to sleep for eight hours straight and it was clear by the emotionless expression crossing L's face that the detective didn't understand what was wrong.  
"Why?" He asked in fact, tapping the thumb against his lip as usual.  
Fighting the urge to punch him in the face, Yagami let out a sigh and rubbed the bridge of his nose, mentally counting to ten before explaining his point of view. "Because it's not hygienic bringing food to bed and let it fall everywhere on washed bedsheets _or on someone who's sleeping_."  
"It wouldn't happen if Light-kun didn't move during his sleep." The detective replied bluntly as if trying to reason with a child. "The candy fell four inches away from the package, right close to the chain and approximatively ten inches away from you." L rummaged in the package in the search of one of the last strawberry gummy candies, ready to recreate the murder scene under the eyes of a stunned Light. As the candy was precisely located where the previous one had fallen, the detective proceeded to describe the case gesturing each action. "Before I could gather it, there was a sudden tugging at the chain coming from your side. I can't tell for sure since you were giving me your back, but I think you lifted your right arm towards the pillow. I noticed it's a tic of yours while sleeping, your fingers stretch first and then they run up to grab tightly at the pillow. This action generally causes a light tugging at the chain." He poked at the chain, enough to push the candy towards Light. "Of course I tried to catch it, but exactly when my hand was reaching for the candy, you turned on your back, trapping my hand and the candy under your weight."  
Light followed the whole explanation with mere disbelief and let silence lingering between them for what seemed like forever, until L, the round black eyes pointed at his number one suspect, decided to speak first. "Do you want me to repeat it again?" Appearances aside, his tone was innocent and imbued with the need to know why Light was so quiet. The university student wouldn't generally wait to retort with the arrogance of who doesn't want to lose a verbal fight.  
"_Ryuzaki_."  
Light finally spoke, letting out a deep sigh.  
"Yes?"  
The detective didn't register in time the moment when Light's punch collided against his face, causing him to lose balance and fell from the bed. The chain followed his fall, clashing it against the laptop's monitor in the arch described mid-air, but fortunately the device rolled backwards on the bed-sheets without receiving further damages.  
"From now on you're not allowed to bring food to bed and disturb my sleeping schedule." Light glanced with a glint of satisfaction at the crouched form of the detective, who was slowly getting back to his feet, a hand pressed on his temple where it hit the floor.  
Eyes as black as the deepest night stared back at the student, carrying an unspoken sentence.  
"More than ten percent."  
L should've known it, while he replied to Light's punch with a kick straight to the boy's nose, it had been all an antics to obstacle his investigation on Kira's case. He would prove that the innocent and quite childish side of this new Light was a front for Kira's true face. Last but not least, there were strawberry gummy candies all over the bed and on the floor now, because the package had fallen along with L. And that was the last precious package left -he mentally noted to ask Watari to buy some, while Light's right hook sank in his chin.

"I fell in the shower."  
"I hit against the nightstand."  
The next morning the members of the task force cast a shocked glance at L and Light -Watari snickered unnoticed at the sight of the bruises all over their faces and the heavy dark circles around their swollen eyes.

The fourth night was almost peaceful. Chamomile tea is always the best cure for restless souls... before another fight starts.


	2. Some nights, I call it a draw

A fine line exists between an unavoidable cohabitation and the wish of living together.  
Assumed both sides agree on leading a quite peaceful life, in the first case they get to know each others and are enough open-minded to tolerate an alien presence invading their personal space. Simply put, they adjust themselves to their cohabitant's habits and learn what lingers in the surface -the exact minimum amount of information to ignore the forcing of a relationship without involving emotions. Back to front, feelings are the key for a successful and meaningful bond based on deep trust and knowledge of the other half, partners become part of the same entity and there's nothing capable of breaking the solid twine of souls and bodies.  
Appearances aside a trust bond may blossom even in the most unpleasant and forced cohabitation, if only both sides are courageous enough to open up day by day.

L and Light were still in the middle of the very first step. Fate let their genius minds bump into each others and necessity forced their personal routine to combine into a new one, their own privacy divided just by the silver glint of a three meters long chain. Weeks passed since they started living handcuffed to one another twenty-four hours a day and were forced to share any slightest aspect of their absolutely different daily lives, but still they both kept their guards high in the event that one of them made the wrong move. It was a sort of silent game with no winner actually, though Light suspected to be the one at a disadvantage. Despite his efforts to understand the detective and gain his trust, the only information obtained were the ones L gave him on purpose. So, everything Light knew about L by now was: the detective was a workaholic type who didn't care less for the slightest human needs such as sleeping and eating decent meals; he was rather childish and tapped the thumb against his lower lip three times if your presence bothered him (_it had almost become a tic whenever Misa passed by to see his boyfriend_); it took him a hour to shower, brushed his teeth for no longer than three minutes and sometimes even forgot to dry his hair; he always played with white pieces at chess. The list went on with his weird sitting habits and the way he pinched things between thumb and forefinger, tipping the head aside as if a new perspective would give him the key to look through at things in a way no one ever could. _Oh_, and he found funny pinching Light's nose like a big brother scolding the younger sibling. Of course Light complained a lot about it.  
Besides the man he called _Ryuzaki_, Light knew nothing about L. About his past, his failures and guilts and successes, his bond with Watari. He could only guess by observing the man crouched on the chair, the skin as smooth and white as a porcelain doll, the deep black eyes fixed on the laptop and the thumb brought up to his lips -_would his hand feel humanity beating beneath that shell?_

"Case solved." The detective sentenced, the back of his hand still resting on Light's forehead. "Stiff neck. Shivers. High temperature. You have a fever."  
"I can tell it by myself, thanks." The younger boy snorted, driving L's hand away. He immediately regretted the act because the detective's cool skin soothed his burned temples, but his pride wouldn't give in to said weakness.  
"You work too much to the point of starving yourself." L said after a brief pause, eyes turning back to the laptop's screen. The couple hadn't left the bedroom since the early morning because of Light's sickness and, with the excuse of the chain that linked their wrists together, L had never left his spot on the bed besides the other man. Who could tell if a touch of kindness dictated that decision or the mere distrust coated with obsession. "Bad habits worn out the body."  
"You're not the one who talks" Light rolled his eyes and stared back at L, shifting on a side. "Do you worry your number one suspect dies, Ryuzaki?"  
L's reply came as quick as his eyes analysed rows of data from old graphics about cases of unresolved deaths in the past five years. "Who knows the easiest way to kill someone wouldn't kill himself. Kira would fake his death but never cause his own on purpose."  
"Does it imply I'm Kira because I'm not properly trying to kill myself?" The question ended with a sudden onset of cough hid against the pillow, preventing Light from adding more sarcasm to his retort. L finally glanced down at him and gently patted his shoulders as soon as the cough eased off. "I wouldn't let Light-kun dying from starvation. Even if you were Kira, I need now your brain to solve the case. So I suggest you to rest and recover soon."  
Light rolled on his stomach, supporting his upper half on his elbows as his eyes flashed with amusement. "You really love throwing hand grenades into a room and running away, don't you?" Yagami had almost stopped getting irritated anytime L assumed he was Kira, well aware they were all attempts to catch him out -in the exact way Light tried to trip L up. "I'm not tired now... Why don't we play a game?" Something he learnt from the very first time he and L met was that the detective loved games (but mostly he loved playing games with Light).  
"What game?"  
"A sort of guessing game." The small smile crossing Light's feverish face meant the boy was planning something far from being easy. "I suggest a letter and you tell the first word starting with it that comes up to your mind... But it has to be a word involving something personal about you. We cannot say the same letter twice, so the game ends when we complete the whole alphabet... The winner is who guesses more secrets about the other."  
A wide grin spread across L's pale skin, making him look like a creepy ghost. Although it was quite obvious what Light was aiming at -and no one could prevent him from thinking it was a perfect Kira's action-, the detective was rather interested to test the danger of such game. A wrong move and you could give your enemy a precious information.  
"Let's start."

As expected they both begun to sabotage one another, saying words that held no secret to the rival.  
"S for sweets. B."  
"Even walls know you and healthy food don't agree. B for books. C."  
"C for candy. Did you read anything from Lovecraft in the end? I saw you with one of his books some days ago. D."  
"Yes and I can now understand why people are intimidated by his use of language. Can't you say anything that doesn't involve sugar, Ryuzaki?"  
"It's surprising Lovecraft's ability to both call something indescribable while then going on to describe it. He uses a great deal of adjectives without painting a clear picture. And while this can be frustrating for readers, it is done in order to emphasize Lovecraft's ideas of the unnameable, the indescribable and the unspeakable. He surely knew the greatest power of words." L bit down his thumbnail. "Well, you can always guess my favourite sweets."  
"D for donats with double chocolate frosting and caramelised pecans on top. And you rated it five if memory serves me right. I don't doubt Lovecraft's brilliant use of words but it gets boring at some point. I prefer a neater writing. K."  
"Busted. K for Kirino, even though I would describe her style as revelatory. T."  
"It is, she hopes her novels to help people out through their hard times and find comfort in the reading. T as twenty-three sugar cubes you use to build a tower. J."  
"And do you know why?"  
"Is there a some weird physic rule that proves you can build a tower with no more nor less than twenty-three sugar cubes?"  
"If it ever exists you should prove it to me first. J for jellyroll. G."  
Light grinned happily, the chin resting on his hand as he scanned L's profile at the quest of a clue. The game was getting interesting.

Few letters and they would be done. L was winning because he found out Light played the role of an apple tree during the final act of his first year of elementary school, a secret information registered only in the photography his mother kept secretly somewhere. Light had tried to steal that damn photo and burn it but the photo-album seemed to have been swallowed in some crooks of his parents' bedroom.  
L could have known about that atrocious memory of his childhood only from his father.  
Light felt suddenly groggy because of the fever, but didn't want to give in; he needed to gather at least one secret information about the detective. "O." His eyes sharpened, ready to catch even the slightest twitch of L's feature. The light of the laptop cast blue flares on L's fingers, now stopped in the middle of closing a file; the detective had never stopped working during the game, but now his eyes were lost somewhere, fixed on a point beyond the screen, beyond the whole room.  
Light impatiently waited for an answer.  
"O for order. P."  
The word wouldn't sound odd spelled by who worked in the name of justice, if only Light didn't notice the greyish steam of an unpleasant memory hesitating in L's eyes. His brow had furrowed slightly and he had bit his thumbnail harder before letting out the word; he'd chosen it carefully, giving Light the chance to find out the truth behind it.  
"P for perfection." The word slipped past Light's lips before he knew, bewitched by the chance to lay his cards on the table. He had to run the risk to get another useful word to complete the puzzle.  
"It's hard living in a world where everyone has high expectations on you, isn't it?" L's question sounded more like an affirmation. He shut down the laptop and placed it on his nightstand before finally staring firmly at Light. "It has to be rather exhausting playing the role of the good son, the reliable brother, the top student... Perfection is a mere reflection of who you aspire to be and in the end it suffocates your true self."  
The quality or state of being saintly. The exemplification of supreme excellence. The act or process of perfecting, in the meaning of first-rateness, supremacy, accuracy, flawless. Words carved in Light's heart since he was a young boy hearing his father's stories about good and bad, law and justice. It was easy to believe in a black and white world before drowning in a see of grey shades._ Even under torture he wouldn't admit to feel comfortable around Ryuzaki just because he could see and accept his imperfection_.  
"And you can't restore order hiding yourself behind towers of sugar cubes." Light retorted without looking away. "Last letter. W."  
And then something weird happened: L laughed. A low, open-hearted laugh that curled slightly his lips and shook his shoulders, that kind of laugh that left you speechless because of how sincerely beautiful it was. It lasted for a couple seconds, an infinite time from Yagami's point of view.  
"Sorry to disappoint you, but it wasn't what I meant for order. However, I can't agree more and I admit it's one of the reasons I took the field for Kira's case." Again, his deep black eyes looked distant and he looked older, ageless, than ever. _Memories of sugar cubes spread across a dirty floor and towers drowning in blood, a curled up position to restore the lost order_. "Waif."  
Light blinked in surprise and glanced awkwardly away, muttering under breath. "I'm sorry."  
He was so used to L's impassive expression and focused on their psychological games to forget the detective was human and held sad secrets as everyone else.  
"I assume my responsibility for choosing that word, it's nothing that you should worry about. It's hard to guess who won so, if you agree, call it a draw."  
"I'm fine with it." Decided it was time to surrender to the fever, Light tucked himself in and closed his eyes. The soft noise of the chain brushing against his pyjamas followed along with a shifting on the spot next to him, soon replaced by the warmth of L's body. The detective curled up his legs upon Light's and begun to stroke his hair gently. Yagami didn't move nor complain, indeed, the nearness of their bodies slowly lulled him to sleep.

The thirteenth night witnessed an indiscernible change. Light learnt L slept curled up like a child because he never let his guard off, but felt somehow reassured by feeling Yagami's body pressed to his own. L learnt Light feared imperfection, but he didn't mind showing off his most innocent side, cuddling against L and letting him stroking his hair. They both learnt _acceptance_ was the feeling of some nights.

**Nda  
**Hi! Thanks who was courageous enogh to read this weird chapter -I do sometimes wonder why I write in a sort of trance and this is what happens ops.  
I find both funny and exhausting writing of psychological guessing games, so I hope you enjoyed this little exchange of words between L and Light~ I'm still not sure if I'll ever write about a personal image of L's past before he was found by Watari, I stick to the canon for now (still I'm looking for the links of the chapters about the characters' files because I don't find it in my hometown sigh) and some blurry image... Well this may be considered as a transition chapter!  
Ja ne~


	3. Some nights, I wish that my lips could b

**III. **_Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle_

Besides the daily practice of brushing your teeth and shower or bath, every culture has its own ideas on what consists cleanliness – Japan included. The Land of the Rising Sun is indeed famous for its unique sense of hygiene, such as the habit to wear surgical masks when feeling sick to not spread germs. In fact it's considered very rude putting everyone around you at risk and getting sick can cause people to miss work or school and special events.  
Another common habit, nowadays kinda lost because of the influence of the western countries, is that shower and bath occur one another. People shower to clean themselves first and then take a hot bath to relax. In Japanese families the bathing order is typically based on the hierarchy of the family, with the father going first – Light remembered that, when he was a child, his father often let him take the bath with him even if it was not his turn and the little boy felt somehow special.

Yagami Light considered himself a perfect clean man who cared about his personal hygiene and the way he presented his persona to the society. He took daily showers, washed his hair with specific products and worried (too much) to keep it in order, brushed his teeth three times a day and ate rather healthy (helped by his "intolerance" to sweets and junk food).  
His pure sense of cleanliness clashed with L's natural look, who seemed to have lived between animals for his entire life; the messy appearance and the weird demeanour didn't absolutely match his undeniable genius. At first Light rejected the idea of living handcuffed to the three greatest detective, due to the possible germs that nestled in that bundle of knotted hair or in those spider-like fingers, often dirty with crumbles or remains of cream L would suck out without giving a damn to clean the saliva off his bit nails. The university student had so engage a war to induce L to take care of his personal hygiene every day.  
The first attempts met a trail of absent-minded glances and grumbles about the absence of a human washer, something Light didn't question about until one night Watari had the heart to explain L's washing habits, eyes full of fondness lingering on the curved profile of his pupil, now collapsed in a coma on his chair. To Light's point of view, L had lived a sheltered life which was probably the main reason of his _laziness _-there wasn't another appropriate word to describe it otherwise.  
The first flare of a change happened during one of their fights, started by the firm statement "_Kira can wait to kill some innocents until you shower, Ryuzaki_" from a frowned Light who dragged the detective by the chain towards the bathroom, where a tub filled to the brim with hot water waited for them. Of course L clearly expressed his contrary view kicking the younger boy, annoyed by the combination of three factors: Light's obsession with hygiene, the sudden interruption of his deductions that would lead the task force to capture Kira soon and the leftover of his strawberry cake Matsuda would probably eat. There was also a fourth factor he would mentally add later, that is Light was as stubborn as him and fought back all he could. No one knows how they ended up drenched in the middle of the bathroom half a hour later, soaped water splashed all over the shiny tiles and the faucet leaking more and more... But a victorious smile had crossed Light's features when L sentenced in a funereal tone that the percentage he was Kira had risen of twenty percent because _yes_, Kira looked exactly like the type of man who cared about his personal image more than anyone else and that he now needed to shower because he hated being soaked from head to toe. From that moment on Light treated the detective to pour water over his sweets or his dear laptop when L didn't shower for two days in a row.  
Despite this small victory, L's hair looked horrible and untamed as if getting shocked and Light couldn't help but wrinkle his nose in pure disgust at the sight of it. _If only he could_... But he hadn't had yet the strength to break the implied rule of privacy in bathroom, obtained after long tiring discussions with his companion. The courage came the nineteenth night, almost a week after that guessing game that helped them both to know better each others -and Light had discovered it wasn't that creepy the way L stroked his hair in the dark, but he couldn't help but fear the germs coming from those unwashed fingers.  
The student watched the chain rattling under the closed door and cleared his voice before knocking. "Ryuzaki, can I come in?" He called twice before the chain clattered against the door-frame and a half naked L appeared in front of him, a towel around his hips and the toothbrush in his cuffed hand. Unexpectedly he was quite obsessed with his dental care... Complicit a bad experience with the dentist due to his sweet tooth?  
"What is it, Light-kun?"  
Yagami fell silent for a while, aware of the absurd request dictated by a mere personal need -_no, hell no, he didn't need Ryuzaki to touch his hair in bed nor his hair to smell good when they inadvertently nuzzled against one another and there was no way this whole nonsense made his cheeks flush like a teenager!  
_"I'm tired to wait so I thought we could take a bath together tonight." Arms awkwardly crossed over his chest, Light tried to keep his composure. "It takes you a lot to shower, I can help you." He added quickly as an excuse, pondering words and modulating his tone of voice in order to exude more self-confidence than his own stretched smile did. Knowing L had the power to read through the mask of the perfect boy.  
In response the detective rubbed his left foot against the back of his right leg and tilted the head aside, as if wondering what real reason hid behind the request and if there was a connection to the fact his number one suspect was the first Kira. "Okay." He agreed, stepping back to let Light in. "You're right, it's tiring washing by your own."  
"You can be a genius, but you're the laziest person I've ever met." Light's amber eyes had a glint of amusement, the chain scanning his steps towards the tub, filled with scented soap and hot water by a meticulous Watari – a request from the Japanese boy when he found out L was even too lazy to wait for the water to reach the right temperature.  
"Am I?" Discarded the towel on the floor, L immersed himself in the tub and there rested with the forefinger pressed to his lips and a quizzical expression crossing his face. "You should really try the human washer, Light-kun. It's comfortable and it cleans you perfectly without you moving a finger."  
"Even if you were right, it wouldn't give you a good massage because it's inhuman." Stripped of his own clothes as far as the chain connecting them together let him, Yagami entered in the tub. Some water begun to spurt out when they both adjusted themselves to have equal space or, to put it more simply, L stayed still, too focused on the analysis of Light's gestures, the way his shoulders relaxed in the warmth and his fingers stretched slightly beneath the surface, even how his toes curled as if timid to make contact with something stranger like L's bare feet.  
"You mistrust technology, Light-kun."  
"I'm simply valuing human contact, Ryuzaki. Now come closer so I can wash your hair."  
The detective didn't move, eyeing suspiciously Light from his spot as if the bottle of shampoo in his hand could damage his pure intellect. From experience Yagami should have anticipated this, L's mind produced test continuously and everything he said or did could be used against his will, to prove he was a mass murderer despite his pure human behaviour. Those deep dark eyes, able only to convey thoughts through logic and numbers, would always convict him. And he would always prove him wrong.  
"I'm eager to watch Light-kun giving me his special scalp massage." The detective said slowly with the hint of a smile, replying to the unquestioned _what is it now_ the other refused to express out loud. Yagami rolled his eyes and tried to balance himself while searching for a more comfortable position that reduced the gap between him and L. It was the first time ever they were so close to one another, defenceless in their shell of skin and bones, so exposed to touch another layer of their souls now that darkness wasn't there to hunt down their demons.  
_A moving castle_, Light thought while pouring a generous amount of shampoo on L's hair. The detective's mind could be described as a labyrinthine fortress, each door connected to one another and secret rooms hid by a precise sequence of tiles, but the walls scheme changed continuously in colours and shapes and words carved in the golden door-frames, giving the illusion to be close to the treasure when suddenly you were thrown again to the starting point. What was Ryuzaki's true self? A complex combination of all the facets he showed and hid at the same time?  
The porcelain skin wasn't as cold as an inanimate object, but warm and alive under the faint touch of his fingertips, tracing now imaginary lines between drops of black ink-jet hair and half-lidded eyes free from the heavy weight of an ageless life. L looked younger, just a bunch of years older than Light, while his body quietly relaxed under the massage and didn't flinch when the younger male pulled his bangs back. A reckless action, to let those inquisitorial eyes to dig deeper in his field, to break down walls and corrupt his heart to such an extent he would fall for the lie there was a traitor (_him, Light, Kira_) in a forgotten world and a shiny armoured knight of justice had tried to stop his atrocious plan, _but what if...  
_A pale hand forced itself through the darkness of Light's upside-down world, pulling his bangs aside. Light blinked and found his forehead touching L's, his breath almost erratic despite the firmness of his hands that kept mechanically working the last knots of hair. It wasn't the first time he lost track of the surroundings, engulfed by his own thoughts and self-analysis at the quest of the truth hidden behind assumptions (_"My son isn't certainly a criminal" his father repeated over and over and "Yagami-kun is a responsible and clever boy" the entire task force would agree_) and foregone conclusions (_"I haven't lied when I said Light-kun is my first friend, but this doesn't imply he's free from the accusation of being the first Kira"_). His lips sealed in a stretched line, building new walls around the fortress of his uncertainty and the quiet anger lay dormant in the back of his mind -mostly towards Ryuzaki because his words are irritating and he only wants to prove he is not Kira, that he stands by the detective's side and he always will.

The security-camera footage didn't register what exactly happened, the next morning there wasn't a hint of the moment Light's and L's lips collided, walls against walls, neither when their mouths moved to find a opening in the other's defence. Humid, slow touches of children guided by logic because instinct tasted bitter and L's lips, Light found out in mere disbelief, were too sweet and soft it would be a waste to devour them in one bite. He kept exploring, cautious but eager, driven by the steady contact of L's hand on his cheek and hair softly brushing in a dump tangle.

The water was cold when L broke the silence between them. "I have little experience with human contact but I affirm Light-kun is good at giving massages."

Sweet darkness embraced the nineteenth night where harmless demons tucked in under the bed. Clean and with hair smelling of coconut shampoo, L let his legs stretching a bit under the blankets, giving up on his usual huddled position for once. His right hand stroke Light's hair while his left one held the younger boy closer, their foreheads touching and sealed lips brushing, indulging the desire to feel their breaths mingle and solve the mysterious case of human contradictory.  
Though it wasn't the right night, yet.

**Notes:** I dunno why this chapter turned more like Light-centric when my first idea was to make them kiss and kiss and kiss... did I say kiss? Well more actions will be taken in the chapter so stay tuned for more~ I can't deal with these two.


	4. Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

**IV. **_Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off_

"_What's in a name?_

_That which we call a rose_

_By any other name would smell as sweet._"

Light read the verses in a barely audible whisper as if he was casting a spell. It almost had the (un)desidered effect to draw L's attention away from the reports he was carefully analysing and turn his deep-set black eyes towards the younger male besides him. The other members of the task-force had retired to their rooms few hours ago and even Matsuda had given in around three o' clock in the morning, failing his weak attempt to prove his worth. The Kira Investigation had drained everybody's strength after months spent acting on every new possible evidence came to light, but deaths kept happening right under the police's nose and the mass media never missed the opportunity to highlight the defeat in the justice's wall. L seemed to be the only one deaf to the provocation, along with Light who's faith in catching Kira was as strong as his will to prove he wasn't the mass murderer.  
They were both sat in bed, the chain between them separating their own personal space. "Do you enjoy reading Shakespeare now, Light-kun?" The detective asked, guessing the author's name and title's book hid by Light's fingers spread across the cover. "I never took you for _Romeo and Juliet_."  
"Honestly I am not." Light affirmed in a rather naïve tone. Misa would be a fan of romance with no doubt, you could already hear her clicking the tongue in delight and clapping her hands enacting the struggle of young lovers to surmount some difficulty, bursting into tears if the couple ends up getting married or embraced by death -she believed in fact in the holy feeling hidden in the sentence _till death do you part_. "But I admit this quotation is a very profound one."  
"So..." L rocked on his back, tip-toes curled up and the thumb stuck between his teeth. "Do you believe names have no value?"  
"I believe that a name is simply a label to distinguish something from another. It doesn't create worth nor does it create true meaning." Names were a delicate subject since they were Kira's first weapon... Hard to tell something as brittle and meaningless as a name held enough information to kill a person, didn't it? Light had thought about it for a while, without reaching a positive conclusion. The reason was the man he was handcuffed with. "Consider what stated in the verses. A rose, if called something entirely different, would still smell as sweetly as it does with the name rose. Name is just a label decided by humankind, it shouldn't have a true power -but it does. The family name is the reason why Juliet and Romeo can't love each other, but that name doesn't define their feelings, either them as human beings."  
The blast of thunder cut off Light's train of thoughts, followed by the heavy beating of rain against the window. The forecast had announced an early rainy season and in fact it was storming non-stop for two days; Light would know that even without glancing at the window, because Misa called him to sadly announce she couldn't leave home because of a typhoon warning and made him promise to not go outside as well. _As if he could_.  
The flash of a lightening broke through the curtains and cast a glow over L's profile. It looked like he'd never moved from his position, but Light could easily tell his shoulders had tensed after fifty-three nights spent together -and thirty-four nights of a growing intimacy after the first (and only one) kiss.  
"So... If I called you Light or Kira, it wouldn't make a difference because a name doesn't define the man you are. Am I right?" L tilted the head aside, the bangs slightly covering his deep-set eyes but not the provocation in his tone. Despite the awareness it was another of those spiteful psychological tests and that he was always, always, always being observed and judged for each actions he took and each word he spoke, Light couldn't hold back anger anymore. Did L never get enough of those silly games? Didn't he get enough evidences after almost two months?  
His fingers trembled to the point he closed the book with a sudden movement of the wrists. "You're implying I'm a murderer. _Again_." Light forced himself to sound calm, but his voice came harsh and even worse, he knew from the beginning his words would convict him again.  
"I simply said that it wouldn't make a difference if I called you by another name. Kira is just a name, after all." The detective offered a small smile, coming back to his work. "I put into practice what you said, I don't understand why you-"  
The paperworks L was examining flew away from his grip and danced mid-air like delicate feathers before falling all over the blankets. Even the copy of _Romeo and Juliet_ had fallen during the scuffle, ended with Light towering above L, both hands firmly grabbing the detective's shirt. "Don't play with me. This is not a game, Ryuzaki, and I'm ti-"  
Appearances aside, L was extremely strong. In the twinkling of an eye he flipped over the positions and pinned the student under his weight, preventing Light futile struggling by firmly grabbing his wrists. "This is _not_ a game, Light." Shadows stressed the heavy bags under L's eyes, while the curve of his shoulders and the way the messy black hair fell over his face revealed all the weight he'd carried in spite of his young age. "People's dying because of someone who thinks to be a God. You're right, names don't necessary define the value of a man, but their existence in society. Exactly what Kira needs to kill."  
The handcuff cut in his flesh under the strength of L's deadly grip, but Light completely ignored the pain and kept challenging the detective with eyes full of rage. He wasn't in the mood for a lecture just because L didn't know how to vent out his own frustration. They were all tired to get nowhere, even the three greatest detective had his own limits. _They were all humans_. "Hideki Ryuuga, Ryuzaki, L." Light listed all the alias used by the detective. "I could call you by any name you want, but what defines you as the man you are in the end?"  
Light dry swallowed as he tried to calm down his breath. He stopped fighting but L's grip didn't loosen up and he could only stare at the silence falling grave between them, broken just by the sound of rain. Light was ready to be punched straight in the face because this was what usually happened when they teased each other -but it didn't. What followed next, drowned in the glow of a new lightening, was the (incomplete) answer to Light's previous conclusion.  
L healed the rift between them placing his lips against Light's. They softly brushed until Yagami gave in to the taste of sugar lingering over the detective's lips and licked off the corner of his mouth the remains of a chocolate cake. It was extremely too sweet for his taste, sickening to the point to being addictive -such a contradictory, but his lips seemed to follow a different logic and kept deepening the kiss, allowing the detective to violate what even Misa never tasted for real. The hold around his wrists loosened at some point and Light was free to cup Ryuzaki's cheeks and guide his clumsy attempts to a more breathless kiss, eyes closed shut to enjoy the moment and skin flushing in the warmth of the act. L's slithered fingers slipped under Yagami's shirt, drawing circles till the exposed skin burnt and a small moan broke the kiss. Hands clutched around the detective's neck and only the coolness of the metal linking them to reality, they both caught their breaths -Light staring at something behind Ryuzaki with half-lidded eyes and the other absently-mindedly caressing his abdomen. A sudden shudder shook the student's body when the detective's hands begun to stimulate his nipples with a hint of curiosity, as if it was just another test... _Yes_, they were testing the implication of their forced cohabitation after all, didn't they? The consequence of an intimacy made of logic and fights and minds that looked for someone to keep up with their high standards, and there they found themselves, hunter and prey in a tight embrace and lips devouring words that if whispered would reveal everything about their own nature. The Kira investigation had been put aside to let them free to intertwine their fingers and dancing in the mild limbo of instincts, letting their true humanity coming to the surface. Just for one night -and other hundreds of times would follow.  
Light's mind spun like a wheel and his back arched in response at the feather-like kisses L was leaving on his body. Driven by growing passion and annihilated judgement, his hands sunk in the messy bundle of L's hair, clutching at the strands to suffocate his need to let out any sound. It was almost humiliating to succumb to those sugary lips and strong hands that already seemed to know his body better than him... Somehow exciting, he had to admit. Since the night they first kissed Light had failed to convince himself it had been just a mistake; his subconscious had wanted it and still craved for those lips, while his rationality desperately tried to unravel the knot of his emotions.  
"_Unh...!_" A burst of heat suddenly radiated from his groin, where L's cuffed hand had inadvertently placed while pulling back. Light's cheeks flushed with embarrassment, aware of the peak his excitement has reached without a warn. It'd never happened with anyone else, with any other girl he spent time with, _and now his body completely failed him and he could see in those black eyes the reflection of a boy he had never been, no no no, that mess of sweat and lewdness wasn't the image of perfection everybody knew!  
_"Ryu-" The urgency in Light's voice was silenced by a slithered pale finger pressed on the teen's lips. "Don't." The detective ordered and that word expressed all Light needed to know. Names didn't exist, they were just entities, free of all the labels imposed by society, free of their roles of suspect and detective, free to expose themselves as individuals to each other.

L felt vulnerable under the trace of wet kisses Light tenderly placed on his Adam's apple and a sudden shiver crossed along his spine, curving his shoulders towards the teen beneath him, as if in the act to engulf that beauty in his prime. He hadn't ever cared about his look, indeed, the displayed carelessness was somehow a constant in his several aliases. Quite the opposite, Light was beautiful and still his gestures were full of grace despite the embarrassment painting his cheeks. His lips were soft and hot against his skin, giving him goosebumps at each kiss or simple brushing of flesh constrained in tight clothes. All those feelings were overwhelming.  
The silver glint of the chain wove their fingers and that was all L saw before his hand sunk in unexplored lands, conquering a (_obscene_) moan in response. Light bent forward, toes curling and fingers scratching the detective's back, giving his consent with a hectic breath suffocated in the crook of L's neck. Inebriated by the scent of the man clung to him, L moved his hand up and down Light's groin, trying to sync the friction with the urgency his other hand worked on himself. They both came together in one trembling spasm after L whispered in Light's ear Juliet's verses.

"_What's in a name?  
That which we call a rose  
By any other name would smell as sweet._"

The fifty-third night ended with unspoken names carved in the bruises left by the chains. L had fallen exhausted onto Light, face hidden in the pillow and hands resting on his sides. Yagami decided he would fix his mask of perfection the next morning, when society would require him to be back as the model student and hero he was known for, but for the rest of the night he would let his imperfect humanity to take over him -and hoped L did the same. So, face still red and messy brown hair stuck to his forehead, he tapped on L's back. A low sigh came from the bundle of black hair and, very slowly as if it required more strength than usual, L turned towards Light. With half-lidded eyes, lips swollen and a soft pink colouring his pale cheeks. An unusual, vulnerable sight of the man of justice.  
After fifty-three nights it was Light's turn to cradle Ryuzaki in his arms and rub his hair until they both fell asleep.

_If names had no values, they would stand in the sun and share those moments forever. But their fate was as cruel as Romeo's and Juliet's._

**Nda**

It was a hard chapter to write because in the end I included a lot of thoughts and things and Shakespear likes to bring up memories of tragedies. But still this is my favorite chapter ever. Hope you like it and please make me know what you think about it 3


	5. But I still wake up, I still see your gh

**V. **_But I still wake up, I still see your ghost_

Halloween first came to Japan in 2000 when Tokyo Disneyland hosted its first Halloween event. Since then, the American holiday contaminated the country, though Japan had developed its own unique way to celebrate the season.

The holiday is geared towards adults who wants to dress in costumes and several great street parties and parades take place in important meeting point like squares and parks; they're free and you can bring your own drinks, to let people having fun on a budget until early hours.

Even trains transform. A phenomenon born in the 90s when groups of Americans expats started throwing Halloween parties on trains and today it reached even the normally quiet peaceful vehicles the most of Japanese people use to go to work or school; just for one night trains turn into the craziest and trendiest places ever.

Dolled up in a fancy gothic dress that let the milky skin of her shoulders kissed by the moonlight, Misa giggled happily hugged to her boyfriend. They just got off a train full of zombies, vampires and other scary-looking characters standing between regular commuters, some of whom were those boring types who didn't enjoy parties judging by their expressions. Either Light was a fan of those silly events and would happily stay home watching a movie than dealing with the chaos down the streets... But Misa persisted for hours with annoying talks about _having finally a date without the freak handcuffed to Light-kun_ that Yagami was forced to give up in the end -Ryuk's laughters followed him until he threw an apple right in his mouth.

Light looked up at the sky, still getting used to breath fresh air and mingle with unknown people after months of confinement in the Task Force Headquarters. His memories as Kira came back exactly when he was trusted enough to taste a bit of freedom; he couldn't ask for a better timing, so there was plenty of time to arrange L's end without being guarded by those inquiring black eyes twenty-four hours a day. Though still, a weird feeling unsettled him every time the thoughts of the past months came to his mind. He remembered each one of those nights, the first though ones, the attempts at knowing each others and bearing with their own different personality, the fights and the hours-long talks, the sound of fingers tapping on the keyboard all night and the showers and when they first kissed (_but it was an accident_) and when they fell asleep in each other's arms, with L's hands in his hair and when the physical attraction strengthened their bond (_again, it was a damn accident_)...

Light remembered everything and Kira buried all those feelings deep down where even Shinigami's eyes couldn't explore the intricate labyrinth of human mind.

"Light-kun? Are you okay?" Misa bit down her tainted lip, eyes full of concern. "If you prefer go-"

"I'm fine, don't worry." Yagami quickly wore his perfect smiling mask, knowing it would be enough to reassure the actress. "Where would you like to go?"

As predicted Misa smiled back and waved a hand towards the shining advertising board towering the entrance of the train station. Golden lights framed the picture of a handsome young man dressed up like a vampire, wings spread in the black of the night and a mysterious girl in his arms. "Yuuhei Hanejima's new horror movie is out! Why don't we go to the cinema?"

Light simply nodded. Anything that led him out of the chaotic colourful flow of people partying in the street would be a good idea.

Several hours later and a stolen kiss Misa demanded before her manager drove her back home, Light found himself under the night sky again, surrounded by children dressed up running here and there to collect candies. He almost regretted refusing a ride back home, but he was physically and mentally worn out after a date with Misa; her scent was impressed all over his leather jacket and the fabric was creased where the actress's nails dug and clutched like tentacles. Yagami also spent half an hour in the bathroom to remove the traces of red lipstick from his cheeks, where Misa repeatedly kissed him in the dark of the cinema when her squeaks didn't graze his ears.

"There was the 1% of possibilities to see Light-kun taking part to Halloween parties as well. I dare say it's a coincidence."

L's husky whisper tickled Light's neck, who froze completely caught off guard. "R-ryuzaki?" His eyes met the three greatest detective's, half hidden by a _yūrei mask. Dressed in his usual baggy clothes and the nest of messy hair framing his pale skin, L really looked like one of those Japanese ghosts stuck between the physical world and the afterlife. A demon came from Hell to ruin Kira's plan, even though it was hard to tell that a plastic pumpkin full of any sort of sweets would bring criminals to justice. "What are you doing here?"_

_The detective tilted the head aside, the typical expression of obviousness as he waved the pumpkin. "It's Halloween night, where everyone is supposed to dress up and have fun. Isn't Light-kun joining the tradition as well?" Inevitably Light felt those inquisitor eyes casting a glance at his attire -a costume composed of black skin-tight pants and a black lather jacket with white stripes that Misa prayed him to wear and the faded trace of red lipstick still lingering in the corner of his mouth. "Isn't Amane-san with you?"_

_"__Her manager just drove her home because she has an interview tomorrow morning." Yagami replied with a shrug of the shoulders, moving the conversation to the map the detective was holding in the other hand. "Did you join one of those Halloween events, didn't you?"_

_Trick-or-treating was becoming popular even in Japan, but it was usually an organized event to entertain children. They were given a map or a stamp card at special trick-or-treating events and after collecting candies or stamps at designed points they could exchange them for candies._

_Looking at the pumpkin bag full of treats and the map decorated with the symbol of one of those events, it was easy to tell how the detective had occupied his time. "I did, but it was quite boring. These riddles are easy to figure out so as the spots of candies and stamps." Brows slightly furrowed and the hint of a pout of annoyance made L look like a child who just lost his favourite game. Light couldn't help but genuinely burst out laughing and his tension totally loosened up for the first time that night. In response L offered his most amusing quizzical expression of someone who completely lacked of social interaction. "What is it so fun, Light-kun?"_

_"__Just ___you___." Light wiped the tears prickling at the corner of his eyes. "It's a game meant for children, of course the riddles are easy to figure out!"_

_"__Even the past ten years old me would solve them quickly."_

_Sometimes reasoning with L was frustrating as dealing with a stubborn child, but Light was used to it and simply rolled his eyes with a sigh. "Speaking in your terms, the past ten years old you belonged to the 2% of child prodigies assuming a normal distribution of IQs."_

_"__Touché." The detective rummaged in the pumpkin lantern until his tapered fingers picked up a small panda plush and a candy. "If you collect all the stamp cards you can exchange them with a small prize and they gave me this plush." He explained while Light took in his hands said prize along with the candy -coffee flavoured, his favourite as L knew by now._

_"__Guess why." The teen inwardly laughed comparing the panda's black eyes with the heavy bags circling L's. Nonetheless a frog would suit him better, because of the empty expression and the large mouth capable of gulping down everything without even chewing -but Light decided to keep the thought to himself in the end._

_"__You can keep it." L suddenly said, pinching between thumb and forefinger a green package of matcha flavoured biscuits and observing it with a sceptical eye. Come to the conclusion he preferred a strawberry gummy candy, he picked one up and let it fall in his mouth, swallowing in one bite with a rather satisfied smile. Not content, he sucked the sugar off his fingers with a delight popping sound, eyes on Light who was observing the scene with a disgusted grimace spread across his features._

_"__Has anybody ever taught you good manners, Ryuzaki?"_

_"__Light-kun miserably failed a hundred and forty-three times."_

_"__A hundred and forty-four times, you missed when ___someone___ was suddenly in the mood for sweet potatoes with caramel sauce at 3 am and splashed hot caramel everywhere."_

_"___Oh___. Wasn't it when you made me those pancakes with chocolate topping and strawberries?"_

_"__Just to shut you up and let me go back to sleep!"_

_"__Those pancakes were very fluffy, I was amazed by Light-kun's skills at cooking ___unhealthy___ food."_

_The teasing, the playful back and forth that made Light's brows twitching and L showing off his frog-like smile, it was an evidence of what they could have been if Kira had never existed -friends or lovers, it didn't matter anymore, they would have found in one another the only company able to put up with their high standards. Light's eyes fell on the pinkish mark on L's left wrist, aware the same scar crossed his right wrist, an undeniable proof of those past nights and the roles they were given by fate -executioner and victim, only one of them would survive the game in the end._

_Kira tried to suppress the remorse tightening Light's chest; the God of the New World wouldn't ever succeed in building the perfect paradise if bound to futile human feelings. Sacrifices were needed to restore order (___a blatant lie to hunt down the ghosts of his nightmares___)._

_"__I was about to come back to the headquarter. Would you like to stay over?"_

_Kira wouldn't agree, feeling danger in the implication of what those words meant, but a refusal would sound rather odd. Calculations asides, Light would deal with the situation perfectly and a smile didn't wait to convince himself that nothing could go wrong. "Of course."_

_L noticed the way the teen's fingers squashed the plush, almost nervously, but did not say a word._

_Nostalgia hits the least you expect. A sentimental longing or wistful affection when you meet an old friend or walk through the door of the house of your childhood days. The feeling welcomed Light in a tender embrace as he stepped into the bedroom he used to share with the detective and he almost felt dizzy, the mind spinning like a wheel while pieces of moments and words composed a clearer puzzle. A week had passed but it both was like he'd never left and never been there for a long time._

_L was saying something about the difference between Japan's and London's Halloween celebration, but Light was paying little attention to his words. He focused instead on the half eaten cake left on the nightstand and the golden words carved in a chocolate bar. ___Happy Birthday___. "Ryuzaki... Is it your birthday?"_

The detective was already sat on the bed in his usual crouched position, hands digging in the pumpkin bag. "Yes." He replied with a laconic voice and a lollipop already stuck in his mouth.

"If I knew it I would give you a present."

"That wouldn't be necessary. It's a day like another."

"But that's what _friends_ are supposed to do."

Silence followed the statement, broken just by the soft shifting of blankets when Light sat on the side of the bed he used to share. L watched thoughtfully the praline spinning around his fingers for a while before glancing back at the teen. "Then let's say it makes me happy sharing time with a friend on my birthday." Even if the faintest hint of happiness didn't shine in his dark eyes, Light could easily tell he was sincere.

Sinuous like a predator cat, his fingers laced around the detective's wrist and captured the praline with his lips, savouring it slowly. Then his tongue carefully proceeded to lick off the chocolate melted on the detective's fingertips, the edge between provocation and amusement lingering on the thin trail of saliva linking his lips to his prey. "I didn't say you could eat it, Light-kun." Words coated with the promise of a threat, that landed in the form of sweet like honey lips pressed against Light's -and L's weight upon him in a matter of seconds. The fight for supremacy begun in a tangle of tongues and teeth clattering, breathless and hectic as their fingers made contact -Light's hands tugging at the messy black strands of the detective's hair, while L's fingers slipped under the leather fabric of Light's jacket and tainted the sensitive skin. In the motion he barely lost balance, which let Light shifting position and claiming victoriously the dominance. The thought of being driven by mere human needs nothing less than his rival caused Kira untold anguish. The thorn in the flesh, the dysfunction in his perfect system, the stain, a distraction, the smooth line between good and bad (_as if L himself had never stepped it over for his own purpose_), the dark side of his justice, his revolution... And still his lips tasted of L and he breathed and dreamt of him and his fingers anchored to his when the whole world swung around them. _Disgusting and wrong and humiliating and safe and it was what he would have wanted if..._

"Tant que je serais là, tu ne seras pas seul." L's lips brushed against his earlobe, the voice soft and grace like the melody of a fiddle playing in the background. Enchanted by words of an unuttered spell, Light's demons dissolved and his subconscious bathed in the soothing comfort offered by ghostly hands, strong and reassuring on his back, able to push him down to earth before Kira spread his wings and turned the world to dash. Guided by the voice and the promise of something eternal, more than Shinigami's life, Light got rid of the jacket and the shirt, skin dump and hot against the coolness of the bedroom. L's white shirt followed in an inelegant movement and his body was now displayed under the dim light, the thinness visible in the arch of his spine. Light traced with kisses the curve of the detective's back, feeling the shudder running through pale skin and clenching fists on the mattress. "Tu es mon égal." L whispered again, his hands guiding the teen to lay beneath him. Light had stopped asking what those words meant thirty-two nights ago, when L praised his arrogant pride all night with precise, razor-sharp sounds that did not let space to ambiguousness and swore justice and beauty to the fallen angel at his mercy. And so his mouth did, tracing the outline of Light's body with wet kisses until a moan suffocated through gritted teeth broke the silence. If they were still handcuffed Light would use the chain to drag L towards him and angrily kissed him till they couldn't breath anymore. But there was anything to link them now, so L almost looked confused when Light grabbed his left wrist and kissed the mark, tenderly nibbling at the sensitive skin. _I'll be your damnation_, said Kira's eyes flashing with red superb while flesh ground against flesh rhythmically and Light came back in charge to end that sinful dance of death.

"Just because it's your birthday." With sweaty brown hair stuck to his forehead and sheets crumpled under his grasp, Light observed L's fingers coated with lube disappearing between his legs. "I wonder what Amane-san would say." The frog-like smile cracked the detective's impassive look, his fingers slowly working around the teen's arousal on purpose.

"Not a single word, Ryuzaki. _And -uhn- hurry up_."

After a hundred and forty-five nights, the scheme had never changed. Light's nails dug in L's back, head buried in the crook of his rival's neck, and almost held his breath at the first thrust, tip-toes curling and muscles tensing. L supported them both against the softest spot of the bed, leaving butterfly kisses on Light's hair and rubbing his tights until the tension was gone and they could both enjoy the moment until the very last breath.

"Ryuzaki."

Light put aside the book he was reading, body half covered by warm blankets and head on L's crossed legs. The detective looked down at him, swallowing the last bite of his birthday cake.

"What is it, Light-kun?"

"Do you believe in eternity?"

A thoughtful silence followed the question. L bit down his thumb as his free hand absent-mindedly caressed Light's hair. A habit grew after nights of intimacy that they both didn't care anymore.

"That one wants nothing to be different, not forward, not backward, not in all eternity. Not merely bear what is necessary, still less conceal it -all idealism is mendacity in the face of what is necessary- but _love _it." L's lips barely parted as he spoke, eyes lost in something no one but him could see. A ghost perhaps but not even a Shinigami was there to listen.

"_Amor fati._" Light recalled Nietzsche's quote written on his philosophy text book. The love of fate or as said _the love of one's fate_. A concept enclosing the attitude in which one could see everything happening in his own life, including suffering and loss, as good or even necessary, accepting said events, almost embracing them in the chaotic temporal line. The concept of eternal recurrence, that described perfectly the path Kira envisioned since the beginning -sacrifices and L's death included and the relief and the sadness that would occur next. It was all worthed it.

L's minimum percentage that Light was Kira had never gone under 97%.

"_Tant que je serais là, tu ne seras pas seul."_

_As long as I'm here, you won't be alone._

He wouldn't ever be alone. Each life taken, each feeling discarded, each sacrifice, each piece of his soul tore apart, every single ghost of his actions would always follow him. So he wouldn't lose his humanity completely, so he wouldn't ever feel alone when Light would die and Kira would soar.

The a hundred and forty-fifth night was the last time they cuddled under the blankets together. L opened wide his arms in silent invitation and Light almost immediately crawled in the embrace, feeling safe in the warmth of their bodies pressed together. Their feet brushed against one another while L rubbed Light's hair gently and there they rested drowning in one another's gaze, foreheads touching and heart beating at the same pace.

"Happy birthday, Ryuzaki."

They kissed one last time.

**Nda**

\- Hanejima Yuuhei is the actor alias of Kasuka Heiwajima, a character from Durarara!

Translations of what L says in French:

-"Tant que je serais là, tu ne seras pas seul." : As long as I'm here, you won't be alone.  
\- "Tu es mon égal.": You're my egual.

A dear friend of mine helped me with the translation since I'm not fluent in French

Hello everyone! This chapter was hell to write because I realized it's easier to move Light when he has no memories of Kira. I had to split him in a sort of fight between Light and Kira, I in fact see the last days before L's death as a final fight for supremacy between Light and Kira, given by my belief it's hard to completely ignore your most human side even if you believe to be the God of the New World. This is just my personal view, I love Death Note just because it opens a variety of interesting discussions! I probably messed up the time skip- Maybe I'll fix it after watching again the serie.

Sadly the next one is the last chapter... I'll miss this story, but still I'm happy I wrote a long-fiction and updated it weekly after years. Thank you for who followed this story since now 3 Oh and you can find my works on AO3 as well, I update there more often than here (coz I forget ups) 3

Ja ne 3


	6. Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand

**VI. **_Oh, Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for_

There were wet hands all over his body and lips dripping sweet victory on his own.

A feeling of fulfilment bubbled up as a low laughter that crept along his features and made his eyes shining with glee, while his fingers captured each rain drop framing the figure upon him. His voice echoed colourless in the shameful night, where Madame Death descended on earth to claim a new life in exchange to her duty. Light hadn't heard the bells ringing the requiem and still he couldn't because it wasn't his time, but L's, and the awareness had hit them both while standing in the cold rain, staring at each others in the deep realization one of the them would win the next day. _Kira would win_.

"I'm good at foot massage."

It was a malicious satisfaction seeing your rival kneeling before you, head bowed down as if finally acknowledged the best role concerning him. Light felt like a God pampered by the affection of his own plans, the pieces finally forming a complete puzzle picturing his scythe waltzing in the blood of the detective's head. He closed his eyes, dazzled by the sweet taste of victory and let his skin trembling beneath L's steady grip. Cold rain drops fell from those ghostly hands while, palms on either sides of his foot, L gently pulled the right side of it forward while pushing the left side back. And then he pushed the left side of the foot back while pulling the right side forward, a circular motion that sent shivers of pleasure through Light's legs, but the God of the New World suppressed any sound, fed up with the view before his eyes. His muscles relaxed under L's experted touch, unimpressed by the strength hidden in so apparent fragile limbs; a dull ache spread across his ankles and his eyes opened wide meeting L's, who silently gave him a reasonable excuse. _"Don't tense. Trust me."_ Those deep-set eyes quietly expressed an energy Light had never seen in all the nights they had spent side by side and he watched the shimmer of water dropping down that bundle of black hair, the tips tickling his feet as the detective bent over again.

"Let me dry your hair." In one last human charity action, Kira used his towel to massage L's hair with caring frictional movements and there they stayed, quietly serving one another with a devotion only worthy of a God. Those same hands would hold a dead body the next day and the memory of the warmth leaching out so quickly would hunt Kira in his sleep for years -but his mind would deny the trauma and silence Light's voice once again, there was no need to think over past choices when the future was oh so brilliant and ready to sing in the name of Kira out loud.

"Let's go to bed, Light-kun." Towel draped around her shoulders, Misa took the man's hands in hers and lovingly kissed them. Light observed her for a long time before a slow nod consented Misa to guide him under the blankets, where she followed only after casting a look at the small panda plush on the nightstand. Shady, judging. She would gladly throw it away if it wasn't everything she could blame for the sadness cursing their existences.

She misted over, cradling Light in her arms and rubbing his hair and caring to not let her body betray her. Light wouldn't notice, he was already asleep and softly had wrapped his arms around the woman's waist, unaware Misa would stay awake the whole night as she always did. Facing that stupid panda and biting down her lips till make them bleed to control her sobbing. It was heartbreaking staring at Light fallen prey to his delirium, eyes gleaming with renewed joy while staring at the heavy rain waiting for an answer, arms open wide in invitation and ready to slap her away when she approached to drive him back home. He didn't see her though, his primary concern was to hear _his_ voice, _to listen the bells as he did_, the signal he had won over L. Misa thanked her stubbornness and unconditioned love to not let her teetering at the madness acting on the stage. She also thanked her talent, the only one even his dear Kira was grateful for, that helped her to understand what words would catch Light's attention, what touches his distant shoulders would allow, what kisses his lips would accept to be led back in the safety of her arms. Away from L's ghost once for all.

Misa wasn't as stupid as people thought. It was all an antics that even convinced her of being a dull doll with a pretty face -she had been acting her whole life after all, it was easier to play nice than dealing with the delusional failure as human being. What would her parents say? Would they be proud of all her sacrifices in order to become the most faithful servant of a God? Would they understand her life choices or would they stand against Kira?

Rem told her that wherever they were, they would watch after her without judging. A beautiful lie to relieve the soul from the fear of nothingness, the place where everyone goes, regardless of their actions during life. A place where you simply cease to exist upon dying and are equal in death.

It was easy to tell between the lines she wouldn't ever know what her parents would say and all she could was to clutch onto Light's arm, her saviour and mentor. She would do anything for him, even acting the role of his dear L and talking as him and making sex like they used to just to light up the weight tightening his beloved one's chest, just to see him waking up the next day oblivious of the night's delirium, just to wash her pitiful self in the cunning smirk and eyes red as blood.

Misa remembered clearly when Light's eyes were big and innocent and full of pure justice -_because of L, because there was something in the odd-looking pervert man able to drag his Light away from her. Such an outrageous action that deserved the worst punishment! And oh how his death made her content, Kira was finally hers!_

"You won't take Light-kun away from me." She whispered at the plush in an impulse of mere pride. When Kira's faith in his justice would waver, she would remember him what he stood for.

"Till death tear us apart."

†

"_All humans will, without exception, eventually die." _

"_After they die, the place they go is MU (Nothingness)." _

Dying is a painful and traumatic experience.

Kira's last moments were a sequel of unfortunate events, caused by a weirdly common misconception of the human mind who likes to play a trick on you more often than you think. Or so Kira's faith clung to with the force of desperation, limping down the staircase until his strength gave in and his body collapsed in the smell of putrefaction. An awful twist of fate, a God falling back to the slime where his golden armour can't shine anymore and it's indeed equal to every miserable human!

Ashes to ashes and dirt to dirt.

Ryuk found tremendously funny the fearful expression twisting Kira's smile between a mocking laugh and a plea of mercy, lost in the midst of vivid delirium in the last attempt to ignore the cold hand strangling him. Ryuk had warned him since the first time they met: all humans go to Mu after they die, regardless of their actions during life, and equally Mu is the place awaiting for the Death Note's possessors. No matter how much Light spoke and cared for his dear life, his soul was doomed since the very first time his hand decided to kill. Even Gods can be killed, weren't Shinigami, the God of Death, the proof immortality was just an illusion? They would eventually succumb to the same faith as mankind, killed by the curiosity to touch with bare hand the variety of human emotions, a rainbow whose light would blind even the evillest of them. Rem had found love due to Misa and died for her, for the only innocent sentiment able to consume entirely a soul. At least she died for a noble reason and the heart filled with pureness, but Light? He would die alone, suffering and drowning in the blood of his victims.

Ashes to ashes and dirt to dirt.

"**Uh? That's interesting.**" After writing Light's name in the Death Note, the Shinigami turned the head to face a familiar pair of dark eyes. Light seemed more concerned about the sound of his heart throbbing at his ears and the paralysis of his lower extremities as the seconds sucked his life at a slow pace. He didn't notice the hand taking his until his last breath.

"**Humans are certainly extraordinary, ha ha ha!**"

Ryuk crackled a laughter as he spread his black wings over Kira's dead body, washing in the glee of a last spectacle surpassing his centenary understanding.

Nothingness is the absence of something.

In Zen Buddhism, "Mu" is the answer given to an improperly phrased question that does not merit an answer. Evidence why Light couldn't know where he was -because there was nowhere to go and the space surrounding him was infinite, if the mere concept of end existed in that desolated land. He had no memories of his past self, but only his name. He didn't even know how he looked like and barely could see his hands the most of times. It seemed his body dematerialised and reconfigured with no logic, as data of a corrupted software; a loud fizzle and pop echoed as signal his limbs turned visible, even though colours were opaque like you were staring at a translucent paper. He wondered why his mind produced the concept of colours when everything around him was black, the complete absence of colours. The day or the night he questioned it to himself his right wrist looked more vivid and he was even able to spot a scar tracing it faintly. Out of curiosity he touched it, amazed by the frizzle produced by the contact. An unknown feeling tightened something in the space he occupied in the void, unable to recognize the sad throbbing of a heart against the ribcage.

Light couldn't tell how long he'd spent alone in the darkness, engulfed by a sense of solitude that clashed in a vague frustration. The awareness he'd stood for something important stung his nothingness and pushed him to the edge of screaming -_if only he could remember, if only he could know, if only that scar spoke for him and reminded what he didn't know anymore_.

One day or one night Light believed the scar spoke for real.

"I guessed you were stuck here."

Light stared incredulously at his wrists, that had never looked so real and shiny in the darkness. Even more surprisingly there were long pale fingers tracing the scar on his right wrist. The ancient feeling of sadness emerged by the faint touch and Light again felt the urge to let out a sound, but he couldn't -the memories of his image was lost in the nothingness along with his voice.

"It's painful, isn't it? Struggling to live upon death, to not let the consciousness succumb to Mu. Guess we were both stubborn enough to not give in even in the end."

The sizzle of his emotions was hard to endure. The pale hand disappeared along with that deep low voice before Light could even touch it back; the black void swallowed each colour, leaving his consciousness devoured by the torment of whatever illusion had come to knock at the door of his memories. It sounded real and familiar, a tender caress to his loneliness.

Light remembered what eyes were meant for when silent tears dripped down in the nothingness.

Light couldn't tell how long it took the process of complete materialisation. The voice and the hand came back from time to time when something unheard exploded and Light's hands turned visible. The voice spoke and his words sounded like the missing puzzle pieces of his memories, helping Light to remember what parts composed a human body. The day or the night he heard a heart pounding against his ribcage it was painful and hard to bear if those hands wouldn't hold him. As his body gained back its form, the stranger's body as well materialised around him, but still they hadn't look at each others. It wasn't time, yet.

"Who are you?"

His voice feebly croaked in the void the first time it came back.

"As far as I remember I was known as L Lawliet when I was alive."

"So we're dead, aren't we?"

Silence expressed more than futile sounds.

In spite of the day he awoke in the void, aware the realm -if there was one- was where dead souls migrated to after death, Light didn't feel lonely anymore. His form soothed in the warmth of the body pressed to his and brushed fingertips along the jawline of the man called L, finding his long black hair tickling his skin. His emotional baggage of knowledge had completely came back and now his soul could feel and touch more than the void itself ever let it -Light knew the materialisation of his body violated Mu's concepts and that his soul would wander in the void forever, unable to reconnect with nothingness. He didn't care. He was sure by now he had stood for something rather important if his consciousness didn't cease to exist. And L was his equal even in death.

"_Tant que je serais là, tu ne seras pas seul._"

Words as sweet as a lullaby awoke an ancient feeling in Light's chest; he and L had certainly met in life and there was no coincidence if their souls met in the void. He turned in the embrace, finally daring look L in the eyes. L looked ageless as ever, his charcoal irises filled with warmth despite the impassive look and the messy hair grazing at his bony features.

This time Light didn't need to ask for a translation, shreds of what they were meant to be leaking in the gap of their parted lips. "As long as I am here, you won't be alone."

According to Buddhism, all phenomena are conditioned and all conditioned phenomena are impermanent. Far from being single, independent and unchanging, human nature is made up of many parts, a product of causes and conditions -and constantly changing. Yet Buddhism does say humans have an essential nature that transcends conditioned or material existence -the open expanse of awareness in which all good qualities reside.

There's a belief in the Shinigami world -that Light's and L's souls had never transcended the material existence and fought Mu's concept of nothingness, too attached to their inner self and the will to reconnect with one another as result of two sides of the same coin. No one existed without the other, no one was nothingness without the other.

When L replied to the kiss, Light knew the void couldn't tear them apart.

They were one.

**Nda**

Here we are, at the end of an adventure. I wrote the last chapter almost a month ago and I wouldn't ever expect to still be so attached to this story, that I would be able to write it whole -I stopped writing fanfictions for years so I was completely out of practice.

Some things to clear about this last chapter: in the first scenes, it's Misa acting the role of L and Light is completely prey to his delirium -I tried to explain it but I'm not quite sure if it was clear enough; I have very little knowledge of Buddhism and I looked for everything I could to write at least something decent -though, as it's evident in the end, I decided to run against Mu's rules as well. It's free interpretation to be honest, to believe or not if Light and L had become nothing after finding themselves of it they truly kept stuck together in the nothingness; my nature often wonders about concepts and it is not my intention to twist religious concepts, let's say it's abig what if of the whole thing and my need to give a sort of happy ending XD

Thank everyone who arrived safe and sound at the end of this story and who put it in fav/follow 3 Ja ne~


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